There is beauty in our fears.

For those of you who know me, you know that I have struggled with anxiety for much of my life. I have an issue with the things in my life I can't control. There is no rhyme or reason why, I was just born with a little more nervous energy than some people. With that being said I have always had a fear of flying. That was heightened when my family came back from New York, the day before 9/11/2001. I quickly decided that planes were terrifying and I never wanted to get on one again. So, I didn't, for over 10 years. I missed out on trips, on traveling the world, studying abroad, and experiencing new culture. My fear of flying was greater than my want to travel and see the world, or so I thought.
Last year, around April of 2013, my best friends and I had were given the opportunity to go out to LA and Vegas for an amazing time with EVA LONGORIA. My best friends? Cali? Vegas? Celebrities? Time off from work? YES. Even though my fear of flying had not subdued, I did not want to miss this trip. After some persuasion from my best friend and family to bite the bullet and buy a plane ticket, I did. I was terrified.
I got on the short flight to Dallas, because I refused to fly for the first time alone all the way to LA, and although it was only a 30 minute ride from Austin to Dallas, I thought I was going to hyperventilate, have a panic attack, open an emergency exit door and jump out mid air. I got on the plane- late, of course, and the only seat left was in the second row next to an older lady. I sat down and apologized for any future ridiculous behavior, and explained to her that I had an enormous fear of flying. The plane started to take off, I closed my eyes and started praying. The only thing that would get me through this without making a fool of myself was a glass of wine and some Jesus. A few minutes in to the flight, there began to be some turbulence on the plane. I started panicking. Here we go- this is it. Goodbye everyone, I'm dead. It's over, peace out. Mom, Dad, I love you- keep care of Wrigley. Girls, you can have my clothes and beauty products. Help me God, I was right, the plane is going down quick.  Everything began rushing towards me and before I knew it I was having a full blown panic attack. As I was freaking out, the sweet older lady next to me put her hand on mine and started to talk to me to get my mind off of things. At first, I wanted to pop her in the mouth because a little light conversation was the last thing I wanted at this point. She asked where I was from, if I was married, what I did, etc., my mind began to slowly ease. She then pulled her ipad out, and then looked at me and said, "I wanted to share this with you, I don't know if you believe in God but I feel as though I should show you this." She handed it over to me to read-it was a devotional email she received daily, and on the day of the flight the devotion was titled "FEAR." It was about how God wants us to overcome our fears because they limit us and our ability to enjoy all God's gifts for our lives. It went on to discuss how God wants us to live a life of joy but part of that is experiencing new things that may make us uncomfortable so that we can grow in him and in ourselves and that ultimately, you have to go through the storm to get ultimate peace.
After I read the devotion, along with 2 glasses of wine downed in about 10 minutes, I began to tear up. I looked at the precious woman and thanked her for her kindness. I will never forget that moment in my life. I truly believe she was an angel of mine and that it was no coincidence that the only seat available was in a random row next to her.
At that moment in my life, I felt God's presence and knew that he had my back, in all things, even as unimportant as riding in a plane. Flying will probably never be an exciting experience for me, but it has subdued immensely because of what happened. If I wouldn't have gotten on the plane, I wouldn't have had one of the best trips of my life. I wouldn't have grown and realized how much I actually love traveling, and how it completely outweighs my fear of flying. I wouldn't have felt God's peace so strongly that I will remember it for the rest of my life.
God works in the most amazing ways, he is so deliberate about who he puts in our life, and who he also protects us from too. He has helping hands along the way from amazing people to give us joy and comfort in our fears and worries. What are your fears? I encourage you to face them head on. It will be scary and uncomfortable at first, but it will be exhilarating once you realize at the end of the day- the fear of suffering is actually worse than the suffering itself. We all have things that may intimidate us, but with a little faith, we can move mountains, or for me- survive a bumpy plane ride.

XX,
Kathryn Lane 

Dear John

Dear "John,"

I have wanted to write this letter for a long time now. There has been much build up of words I could have said, should have said, so this is my letter to you..all of you.
It began great. We met, we started casually hanging out, you treated me nicely. You pursued me, I hesitantly went along, then I began to like you. You cooked me dinners, had movie nights with me, cuddled with me when I needed it, you were nice to Wrigley. We began dating. As my wall slowly crumbled, so did the depth of our  relationship. You finally caught me, got your ego filled, and soon got disinterested. I began doing things for you, cleaning up after you, cooking you dinners, and catering to your needs as well as putting mine on the back burner. Before I knew it- I was walking around like a stay at home mom taking care of my child-like man who had no appreciation for me. I sat you down a couple of times, talked with you about my concerns, you said you didn't want to lose me and that you would change. Things did change, for a short period of time. You were nice, sent me sweet texts, checked up on me, and respected me. Unfortunately, being that the past is the best indication of the future, we ended up with our relationship taking a back seat and my feelings began to fade. Whether it was you or me, we ended things. Hurt and upset, my little heart broke from disappointment of another failed relationship. It slowly healed as did my ego. You randomly texted me to see if I was there, but I wasn't. There were times and still are times when I run into you, and I can tell in your eyes that part of you hurts, but you aren't man enough to really do anything about it.
John, all of you had one thing in common, you weren't ready to settle down, and unfortunately for you, I was just not ready to settle.

Dear John,

We met through mutual friends, you courted me, respected me as well as my boundaries. You asked me out on dates, I hesitantly accepted, you made me laugh. You asked how I was doing, listened to me, you were consistent. You worked hard and were incredibly driven, but would never choose your ego or power over me. You respected my opinion and thought I was brilliant and hilariously witty, yet loved that we could sit next to each other in silence. You enjoyed staying in from time to time because of me. You loved meeting all of my friends, my wonderful family, and were congenial enough to hold your own conversation. You kept an eye on me when we were out at night, yet trusted me enough to let me go on my own. You had a strong faith, a deep rooted one that made your spirit joyful, humble, and honest. You were not judgmental, you accepted pretty much everyone and had a love for people. You were nice. You loved Wrigley, almost as much as you loved me. Eventually we fell in love. You talked about the future with me occasionally, were okay with making plans, going on vacations, and always had an appreciation for me and our relationship. You made me feel special without even trying to. You are the reason I finally settled down, because I was no longer settling, I was completely content.

There's a big difference writing a, "dear john" letter to a man (or in this case, past men) who put minimal effort into you and your relationship compared to writing one to someone that you can be proud of, someone that you can look up to, someone who is consistent. The distinction in these letters is that one is messy and complicated, and the other is simple and steady, just like relationships we experience. I have dated a handful of guys, it has taken time, heartache, and independence to figure out what I need, want, and deserve.
At the end of the day-it is up to us to figure out who our ideal John is,  what our non-negotiables are,  and ultimately what makes us happy.  Deciding who to be with for the rest of your life should be one thing we are allowed to be selfish at. There have been great men I have been with, and there have been some not so great ones, but I good have a feeling none will compare to the one that I actually settle down for.

Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary. -Oscar Wilde

 

  
 

Who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life?

 

    

Don't lose a diamond while chasing glitter. 

 

     

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. -Winston Churchill

  

     

Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself. 

  

 

XX,
Kathryn Lane