We all go through difficult times in our lives. Times where our hearts are broken, our souls are shaken, and our spirit seems to be hiding cowardly behind our child-like self that desperately just wants to run off and hide in hopes that it will all go away. There are moments where we are so deep in stirred waters, we don't know how the hell we will catch our breath and survive. Life is going to try us. It is going to test us beyond our core, to see if we can handle it, if our faith shakes, if we throw in the towel and give up. And it is only up to us to figure out how to stand so deep-rooted in the ground during the flood, that nothing or no one can ever make our spirit completely break.
This past week was one of the more tough weeks I have had in my life. It started off freshly ending another relationship with a guy who I thought was someone he was not. We'll call this guy, 'Joe'. Joe was brilliant. He was in the medical field, good looking, smart, witty, and kind. He listened to all my stories, laughed at my jokes, asked all of the right questions, took me to the most fun restaurants in town, but from day one- I had a weird hesitation with fully letting my walls down with him. I knew he was stressed about being his profession, working too hard, and just moving to a brand new city where he knew only a handful of people. All of these things seemed completely relevant and normal to me, until I realized there were many more demons that he was struggling with. I started to feel as though it was really affecting our relationship and I was beginning to be taken somewhat advantage of. It unfortunately got to the point to where I had to end things because of the bit of darkness I began to see, and because of his actions, or lack there of. We dated only for a short period of time, maybe four months, I stuck by him because of how stressed he was, and because we cared about each other, but nevertheless ending things still sucked. Feeling so disappointed, and let down by another relationship of unfulfilled promises- I started the week out feeling a bit blue.
Tuesday morning before sales meeting, I felt a sudden pain in my right side. If you know me, you know that I have intense energy, anxiety, and can be, how you say, a bit of a hypochondriac. This pain was a dull pain that ached throughout the day, and that evening progressed to sharp unbearable pains to where I knew I was not just freaking out, something was wrong. I met my best friend at the ER, and numerous blood tests and CT scans later--surprise! I had appendicitis. I was being admitted to have emergency surgery, which I had never been under anesthesia before, was terrified, ill, and was feeling very broken. The next day, (because I had a dbag doctor that made me wait 12+ hours to get the operation), I was being prepped for surgery. I was scared, I was hurting, all while still being upset that this guy, Joe, who I had stuck by throughout his difficult times, times where he bitched and complained and was sad, and stabbing my eyeballs out would literally have been more enjoyable, was absolutely no where to be found. No calls, one text after I got out of surgery saying, "yay" (can't make this stuff up people), and no stop-bys to see me. It was disappointing, it was sad, but I found myself feeling suddenly that it was blissfully eye-opening. Not only did I wake up from the surgery with zero complications, I woke up with my friends and family by my side; holding my hand, wiping my tears, listening to me freak out on anesthesia and throw ice at people (hey, I can't help the way my body reacts to it), and assist me heal. I woke up to dozens of flowers, candies, cookies, missed calls and texts....and after all was said and done, I realized, I woke up to love. Real love. Unconditional, non-judgmental, there for you even during the hard shit love. From people who want to be in my life, who deserve to be in my life, who I need in my life.
The whole point of this is, I woke up from my surgery not only a little wacko, I woke up with a different attitude. An attitude of gratitude, if you will. I woke up thinking, life is too short to fight for people who don't want to be there in the first place, because there are SO many awesome people who do. True colors come out in people when something traumatic happens. You find out people's strength and weaknesses, their real feelings for you, their compassion and kindness, and you really get to see their raw character. I may not have seen the best in Joe while this occurred, but it was completely omitted by all of the other amazing people I have in my life who did give a damn about what was going on with me. Sometimes, paper perfect people end up being the most broken. And unfortunately, that's just what I found out during this.
Sometimes, God takes something really messy, that we can see no shape or form or good to, and creates something ridiculously beautiful, something that we could have never imagined, something life changing. Since my surgery, my anxiety has been so minimal (which is a huge deal), and I have remembered the important things in life, as well as important people. It has been such a blessing, that I am actually incredibly thankful for my crappy week. The next time you think the world is ending, your appendix is rupturing, and you are oh so alone; you might wake up the next day, throw some ice at your recovery nurses, feel ridiculously loved, and be a healed person.
You belong somewhere you feel free- Tom Petty
Only in darkness can you see the stars
Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we've touched.
XX,
Kathryn Lane
For more writing, go to www.babehairbootcamp.blogspot.com
Posts
