Red flags in relationships.

You might be dating a d-bag when:

Over the years, I have dated my fair share of men. I have been with the good, the bad, and the ugly, (and the hot, the possibly gay, the foreign, etc. etc.). After ending the relationship, I have had time to reflect on each one and think, "what went wrong?"  No matter who it was, they all have one thing in common; there was a firework show of red flags that I looked past.

 It is hard starting a new relationship, because we are learning about each other, and wondering if a red flag was just a mistake, or some weird incidence, maybe he was wrongly accused of stabbing someone, peeing on a playground in front of a child, or cheating on you with a stripper named Candy Cane. And as women, we are pretty forgiving, naturally...unfortunately. Most of us want to see the best in people, and hope that they are changed and want to do better and be better for us, that we will be the ones that will make them the man of our dreams, and we're so ready to settle down, we are completely looking past all of the warning signs that are indicators that this relationship might not work. I hate to say this- but people are innately who they are, they may improve slightly, but they usually revert back to past behaviors, (the past is truly the best indication of the future). After all of my research on red flags in my relationships, as well as my friend's relationships, I compiled a list of some that I think are important that we tend to overlook. Enjoy. (Guys, the same list pretty much applies to girls as well).

1. He is aggressively sexual. If a man respects you, he respects your boundaries. If he is aggressively sexual, he might be A. a freak, B. using you C. a brotha just might need to be told to chill out.

2. He is not sexual at all. This is also weird. He might be gay. Or have diabetes. He should be sexually attracted to you, but at a healthy balance of so.

3. He has a past of cheating numerous times or has cheated on you. Everyone can screw up once, but there is NO need for an explanation for this, we are smarter than that.

4. He treats people he doesn't know like they're crap. This is indicative of his character, and is a very unattractive trait that will end up with you being treated poorly.

5. He treats you like you're crap. Run. This won't change. He should be treating you like a queen in the beginning, showing you all of his best cards and trying his hardest. If he's already treating you with no effort, buzzards are going off everywhere, run Forrest, run!

6. He is lazy. If he's lazy in life, he'll sure as hell be lazy in your relationship. Also, what a turn off.

7. The only time he hangs out with you is after 10 pm. Hi. you're a booty call.

8. He doesn't want to commit. He just isn't ready (and it's been 3+ months), he's been too hurt, he doesn't want to hurt you, he is really focusing on work, his dog is really time consuming, he might be moving out of the country for work, but hey- he likes you a lot and still wants to hang out..this means, Hi. I like hanging out with you (hooking up with you) but want no commitment whatsoever. If you're cool with that, more power to ya, if not, back off.  

9. You catch him in numerous lies. Even if they're little lies, it's weird. And if he'll lie about little things, why wouldn't he lie about big things? Usually people lie because they're guilty, or because they're insecure, both will affect the relationship. 

9. He doesn't want to hang out with your friends ever. He might be selfish, or your friends just might suck. But figure that out.

10. He doesn't have friends. ....Why.

11. He does have friends, but they all suck. We choose who we surround ourselves with, so if his friends suck, he probably does too.

12. He is cocky. If he's confident, Awesome. If he's cocky, he's insecure and looking for an ego-fill. Don't be that ego-fill, it's a void he needs to figure out himself. 

13. He has not worked for ANY of his money. There is something different about a man who has money because he has worked hard for it. He knows he has to work hard for you too vs. a man who has had EVERYTHING given to him. It unfortunately usually rolls into the relationship, if not now, most likely later on.

14. He has no faith, and does not care to explore the true meaning of life. This is a problem to me because it is important that you are able to grow together, that he is open to exploring new things. Having a belief in something is critical to living a fruitful life together. 

15. He is insanely jealous or controlling. Usually guys are like this because they are either wounded and very insecure, or doing something wrong themselves. Don't ever let someone control you.

16. He does not care when a guy slaps your ass in public, and offers his friends to touch your boobs (this has ACTUALLY happened to me.) He doesn't respect you basically, and this is weird as shit, so peace out.

17. It is always on his time table when you hang out. Don't be waitin' around for his call girl, make your own plans, if he wants to see you, he will work around it.

18. He never takes you on dates. Being in college, this was kind of the norm. You'd meet up at a bar or party, and end up making out and eventually you'd date. We're in the real world now. A man should want to court you and date you to dinner, coffee, lunch, some sort of effort to show that he is interested.

19. You don't sleep with him, and he becomes disinterested. He definitely is not wanting to date you, and he's a sleaze. And you should light dog poop on fire and leave it on his front door step.

20. Every ex he has dated is a "bitch" or "crazy" or a "crazy bitch." Either he has terrible luck, or there's a reason that each relationship ends so poorly, and there's only one thing in common: him.

21. You catch him checking out women in front of you all of the time. On occasion, it's normal. Guys like a nice booty do. But if it's on the reg and he's obvious about it, this should make you concerned. A wandering eye can lead to bad places.

22. He treats his mom like a pig. Look at your future, because that is it.

Okay my little lovers, note these red flags and fly away into dating land. Remember to always love people first, and with that comes trust, but perk your little ears up a bit more, be a tad more cautious about jumping into a relationship, get to know someone! If you see any of the above warning signs, plus your own list, really think about what it could mean for the future and for your happiness. We don't ever need to settle or compromise, because as tough as dating can be, there are plenty of good people out there that have similar "non-negotiables" as ours. 

XX,

Kathryn Lane

For more of Kathryn Lane's writing, go to www.babehair.blogspot.com